Waste Of Time That Is Free

In a moment of utter folly, I shall now ramble at length until I feel less scatterbrained. I'm sorry if you're forced to read this against you will. If you are the forcer, might I suggest a more determined effort to enforce more punishing torture upon those you dislike.

I sit on the brink of a longish weekend which will involve awesome Doctor Who and (at present) little else. I feel like I should be putting together a to do list and planning the accomplishment of goals but above all else I can't be bothered.

I have three days of no work in which I could finish watching HIMYM season four, actually see a film (perhaps, *gasp*, at the cinema), go to the pub with some people or maybe even make some kind of video perhaps via some kind of outdoors endeavour.

Irritatingly, I'm pretty sure that my free time of this weekend will be spent playing on my DS while simultaneously absorbing background Big Brother. Neither thing I dislike but neither thing worth shouting or enthusing about.

It's partially a money issue. I love my jaunts to visit the internet people, but they do have the side effect of reducing my spare funds to a trickle at best and a fully tapped out drought at worst. It's a self perpetuating monster. I work almost all extra shifts suggested to me for extra funds. This leads to staying up late each night catching up with people and the internet in general. This leads to me getting up late for work which in turn leads to having to spend money on the train for the minor added speed burst that gets me through work's doors just in time to not be chastised. All of the above is why I am often rushing and poor.

It's partially a motivation issue. I've had a few ideas recently of videos I could make or booths I could do and then not following through with actually making either. The utterly marginal dedication to anything solid has always been lacking in me and it shows no sign of being cultivated long term. This leads to me being annoyed at myself for not getting anything done but feeling powerless to break the cycle. Getting out of the rut would require a plan that I feel I'm unable to make. I should try and figure out the root cause but again, planning.

It's partially a people availability/willingness/location issue. My local friends are, for the most part, in a job with typical weekday hours and/or in a relationship and/or as broke as I am. This means they have work in the morning and/or prior commitments and/or no funds. This means I have the opportunity to do diddly and/or jack and/or squat. It's not their fault by any means. They have lives and their own concerns and I have a tendency to not plan ahead when it comes to them while also moaning when a plan of their's is short notice and -I'm- working. I also feel like I'm an imposition almost anytime I suggest anything due to the half-bakedness of my plans and the kinds of things I want to do being lame/dull/questionable in their merit.

Put simply, I lack confidence in my ability to suggest enjoyable things and therefore put it off or suggest it very mildly leading to nothing happening at all. This is why I'll probably end up sat in my room for the weekend doing very little.

Help or activities welcome.

Things That Occured To Me Today

I like this blog.

I like writing lots of stuff with a modicum of purpose and I'm a huge fan of re-reading something I wrote in the past. So I figured that I should get to writing more stuff.

I like people.

I like talking to people online and I like seeing people in person. It's dismaying to realise that I'm not likely to see any internet people in real space until the beginning of August due to lack of money. It does, however make me want to visit my generous grandparents, so that's a good thing.

I like not-people.

As mush as I enjoy seeing people, I don't like it when people feel like I am in anyway their concern or responsibility. I realised that after the escapades of last Saturday (http://dailybooth.com/u/37k0h), Tino was put in a position where he was made to feel guilty for putting himself in (relatively marginal) danger and therefore not looking after others. I don't think I could have took that criticism as graciously as he did. I would have told everyone to leave me to my own devices and trust that I can look after myself and said that others should be capable of doing the same. Though admittedly I'd have probably phrased it into the far more succinct: "Fuck off". I kind of expect people to trust that I'm able to look after myself and not hold themselves in a worry state over whether I'll make it from one day to the next. Simultaneously...

I would like to have a someone.

As much as the "Stay Single" resolution has resulted in mucho friend making and easy outs at times; I feel like I might make the complete opposite resolution next year. I don't think it'll be easy to find someone with the right temperament to match my own contradictory mental barometer but I'm certain I'd feel better having someone to talk to and cuddle and... other things. Though, if I'm honest, the "other things" are actually the least pressing part of the hope. I really feel that I'm getting too boxed in here, in spite of my many jaunts elsewhere. The somewhat inevitable move out of this house in January will hopefully help, as will the full realisation that...

I should be looking for a different job.

I need more stable hours and/or more money and neither will happen at my current place of work, ever. Plus, in September I'll have been in my job for five years. Time to go, Little Miss Muffett counting down from 7-3-0.

I think that helped. I like to talk in first person about myself. Someone stab me with a sharp truth before I get an ego.