I just don't know what to do with myself lately.
I kind of feel like it's a little bit of a lack of "gatherings" that's bringing me down. I don't see very many people socially at home and I don't do it very often. My attempts at out-reaching online is stymied by the fact that most of my interactions in person are started by me being a little bit OTT and bouncy and full of open body language (mostly). The content is rarely something I put thought into. Online this does not work.
Online, I feel like I have to get past several formality barriers before I actually get to just chatting, if indeed the capability to chat uncharacteristically emerges; like a sober monologue from some alcoholic, drug-addled and hyperactive comedian that may or may not exist because he's just being used as a simile.
I suppose it doesn't help that the most recent person I started talking to online was a guy who lost his mother a week previously. I didn't know this until a few sentences in and given the various things that surrounded that, I was left with a massive hole where (I presume) normal conversation would usually lie. I asked him how his day had been and I got a "don't ask". I asked what he enjoyed doing and I got "[housework]" and "Sleeping".
The issue doesn't just run with new people though. I have at least a dozen people on Skype and MSN who I have previously spoken to at length, both online and in person. I find it almost impossible to actually start talking to them. I still leave the programs open in some hope that maybe they might see me online and be all: "Oh hey, there's Dave! I like him, we should totally talk!" (because they clearly all talk like me/the cast of Clueless). Yet still I get no conversations going.
I know that they are probably having conversations amongst themselves and not really giving this much thought. I know that I have no right to impose any sort of guilt upon them by posting this (which, sidebar, I had not actually intended to post when I started typing but I feel like I'm likely to when I'm done). I know that there are some people who I have made it awkward to talk to by my actions in the past. I know that were I to get past the starting and awkward formalities and get onto a topic of some sort, the rest would likely form itself.
Finally in the list of things-that-were-in-that-last-paragraph but is really too large an item to be in said paragraph: I know that there are a couple of people that do take the time to speak to me when I am online and I don't appreciate them as much as I should because there is often no flow in the interaction and I'm more concentrating on those people who I'm -not- managing to have an interaction with. I like that they like me but there is a key element missing from all of them that cuts it short of it feeling like a proper chat. In some cases I know what this is. In others I don't. It sucks that all things aren't equal, huh?
tl;dr
Dave knows how to write very long sentences but not how to talk to people online.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Sunday 27 February 2011
My views on Fandom
The internet is full of enthusiasts. Enthusing over many things. Sometimes they praise things I like, sometimes they praise things I don't like. Sometimes they apply their enthusiasm towards the dislike of something. It seems to me though that regardless of the topic enthused over, some people are rather enjoyable and some are just incredibly annoying.
Take John Green's sport-based twitter account. I have little to no interest in sport, but his enthusiasm for it is really very pleasing to read (to me at least).
Now take a variety of posts about Harry Potter from Tumblr. And if you don't mind, I shall take a deep breath and adjust my seating to make myself more comfortable. Some of it is enjoyable, such as the multiple layers of fun derived from screencaps by -morning. Some of it is legitimate "Well done JK for writing a great series of books, I have enjoyed them and this is why", which again I can respect and feel content about.
Then there are those posts which are obsessive.
Posts saying "OMG That's So Ravenclaw!" (which is not a 'thing', but I wish it was cause I just thought of it and it's funny ofc), or more specifically spazzing out over how amazing something is because it's related to the films or the books. Posts that go to great lengths to say why a particular house is amazing because of this and that and the other and how they still now read and reread the books to prepare themselves for the final film.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have read all of the books and watched all of the films thusfar. I will be going to see the last one when it comes out at the cinema. I have enjoyed much of it (though the ending of the Chamber of Secrets movie is the most horrifyingly cheesy thing I have ever seen). I just hate to see people speaking in reverential terms over fiction, I guess.
I have a similar problem whenever I've been to a gathering of Doctor Who fans. When I went to get my copy of The Writer's Tale signed in Birmingham, I was surrounded by obsessive fans who spoke reverently over little parts of the canon and of seeing and meeting various Who alumni. Some were enthusing over the costumes that they were wearing and some were dismayed that they has chosen not to bring and therefore not showcase a particular outfit. But to put myself in context in that scene, I was the only one anywhere near me who had actually read the whole book and I was incredibly starstruck at the thought of coming face-to-face with Russell T Davies. I got all of the little references that the people around me were making. I more than once restrained myself from correcting them because they were quoting things wrong or drawing incorrect conclusions. I still found the whole mindset repellent.
I suppose in a way, it's about expressing enjoyment without making a fool out of yourself. I suppose in a way, that last sentence was extremely pretentious. I just think it's possible to say how much you love something without vomiting rainbows over it. Without gushing openly like a New York fire hydrant smashed open by a great piece of media and somehow henceforth being infused with a potent overdose of caffeine, cocaine and golden syrup.
See also; My views on religion. Oh wait, you just did.
Take John Green's sport-based twitter account. I have little to no interest in sport, but his enthusiasm for it is really very pleasing to read (to me at least).
Now take a variety of posts about Harry Potter from Tumblr. And if you don't mind, I shall take a deep breath and adjust my seating to make myself more comfortable. Some of it is enjoyable, such as the multiple layers of fun derived from screencaps by -morning. Some of it is legitimate "Well done JK for writing a great series of books, I have enjoyed them and this is why", which again I can respect and feel content about.
Then there are those posts which are obsessive.
Posts saying "OMG That's So Ravenclaw!" (which is not a 'thing', but I wish it was cause I just thought of it and it's funny ofc), or more specifically spazzing out over how amazing something is because it's related to the films or the books. Posts that go to great lengths to say why a particular house is amazing because of this and that and the other and how they still now read and reread the books to prepare themselves for the final film.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have read all of the books and watched all of the films thusfar. I will be going to see the last one when it comes out at the cinema. I have enjoyed much of it (though the ending of the Chamber of Secrets movie is the most horrifyingly cheesy thing I have ever seen). I just hate to see people speaking in reverential terms over fiction, I guess.
I have a similar problem whenever I've been to a gathering of Doctor Who fans. When I went to get my copy of The Writer's Tale signed in Birmingham, I was surrounded by obsessive fans who spoke reverently over little parts of the canon and of seeing and meeting various Who alumni. Some were enthusing over the costumes that they were wearing and some were dismayed that they has chosen not to bring and therefore not showcase a particular outfit. But to put myself in context in that scene, I was the only one anywhere near me who had actually read the whole book and I was incredibly starstruck at the thought of coming face-to-face with Russell T Davies. I got all of the little references that the people around me were making. I more than once restrained myself from correcting them because they were quoting things wrong or drawing incorrect conclusions. I still found the whole mindset repellent.
I suppose in a way, it's about expressing enjoyment without making a fool out of yourself. I suppose in a way, that last sentence was extremely pretentious. I just think it's possible to say how much you love something without vomiting rainbows over it. Without gushing openly like a New York fire hydrant smashed open by a great piece of media and somehow henceforth being infused with a potent overdose of caffeine, cocaine and golden syrup.
See also; My views on religion. Oh wait, you just did.
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Talking about myself when tragedies are happening worldwide. As we all do, daily, all the time.
Today I worked an extra hour and stayed later than that even to book the many days off I have planned for the next few months. By the time I finally reached the halfway point of my journey home and ran for and missed a bus I decided; fuck it, I can walk home and I could do with the exercise. For balance I bought a bag of chips and spent an hour walking back home while only three buses passed me.
Why am I telling you this?
Because in the first 20 minutes of that walk home, I'd actually come up with the opening few paragraphs of what could have been this blog. Unfortunately/fortunately, I was distracted by music and the built up prose dribbled out of my ears, lacking long term traction. Excuse me while I try to do it's (lack of) memory justice.
---
I'm a busy guy. It doesn't really occur to me until other people comment on it but it's true. I have some sort of plan for at least half of the days off I'm given and my evenings are often spent keeping up with Twitter and Tumblr while consuming media with the appetite of a starved and angry badger. Yet it took a day of unfulfilled lazing in front of the TV for me to realise that my new found busyness is just one aspect of a person that has really changed in the last two years.
A little under two years ago, me and my boyfriend split up. In the time since I've made almost all of the internet friends I have now, have travelled up and down the country (mostly down) to see them and have 'mastered' my finances and general planning of my life. Admittedly, I'm still not the greatest at being on time and I rarely organise any successful social events of my own, but you can't have everything. In the nearly elapsed two months of this year alone I've been to London, Sheffield, Stafford and Heathrow. A good time was had in all. I've sent and received Valentine's cards for (I think) the first time ever and [segue] yes Simon, it was me who sent the banana-based card and no, it doesn't matter that it wasn't reciprocal and I apologise for anything inappropriate I did when we were drunk (because alcohol is totally a valid excuse) [/segue]. I have so many more things planned for this year and I'm starting to get metaphorically itchy feet whenever I'm not moving or planning or accomplishing because I daren't let the momentum wane.
Even so, the New Years Resolutions I accomplished so well during the last year have not really been taken up so well this year. Again in the barely two months of this year, I've not been swimming once. Nor have I made a YouTube video [He said, forgetting that he posted a pointless little vlog that was unplanned and not all that great.]. I've kind of saved some money. I've been to a couple of new places and future different journeys are planned so that's a winner I guess. I've caught up tremendously with Sentai also; being as I am now only 50 episodes behind (up from 80). Sadly the Sentai speed will slow now because the new team that I just started watching, Goseiger, are a bit badly written and the actors are uninspiring.
I have tickets to see comedians and an eye on tours as yet unannounced. I have a list of the various boxsets and series I hope to get watched this year. And yet I have a fairly limited communication with the people I want to spend this time with. I have a complete disjoin to the Birmingham bars and people I used to go out with locally. I have a generally adjacent view to everyone I encounter on a day-to-day basis and I rarely make the encounter when the situation should call for it.
Again, I'm just belly-aching that everything isn't perfect and a little bit "Why don't I have something into which I have put no effort? Waah!" but I feel a bit lonely sometimes when half the people I'd like to speak to are far away and most of the methods of which to start that conversation without travel appear to me to be an invasion of me upon them and therefore unwanted and "Waah! No one wants to talk to me even though I make no attempt to talk to them! Waah!".
So yeah. I blogged about it. Maybe the above'd be a little shorter if I regularly got these feelings out in the open, say with a picture attached. I wonder where I could do that...
Why am I telling you this?
Because in the first 20 minutes of that walk home, I'd actually come up with the opening few paragraphs of what could have been this blog. Unfortunately/fortunately, I was distracted by music and the built up prose dribbled out of my ears, lacking long term traction. Excuse me while I try to do it's (lack of) memory justice.
---
I'm a busy guy. It doesn't really occur to me until other people comment on it but it's true. I have some sort of plan for at least half of the days off I'm given and my evenings are often spent keeping up with Twitter and Tumblr while consuming media with the appetite of a starved and angry badger. Yet it took a day of unfulfilled lazing in front of the TV for me to realise that my new found busyness is just one aspect of a person that has really changed in the last two years.
A little under two years ago, me and my boyfriend split up. In the time since I've made almost all of the internet friends I have now, have travelled up and down the country (mostly down) to see them and have 'mastered' my finances and general planning of my life. Admittedly, I'm still not the greatest at being on time and I rarely organise any successful social events of my own, but you can't have everything. In the nearly elapsed two months of this year alone I've been to London, Sheffield, Stafford and Heathrow. A good time was had in all. I've sent and received Valentine's cards for (I think) the first time ever and [segue] yes Simon, it was me who sent the banana-based card and no, it doesn't matter that it wasn't reciprocal and I apologise for anything inappropriate I did when we were drunk (because alcohol is totally a valid excuse) [/segue]. I have so many more things planned for this year and I'm starting to get metaphorically itchy feet whenever I'm not moving or planning or accomplishing because I daren't let the momentum wane.
Even so, the New Years Resolutions I accomplished so well during the last year have not really been taken up so well this year. Again in the barely two months of this year, I've not been swimming once. Nor have I made a YouTube video [He said, forgetting that he posted a pointless little vlog that was unplanned and not all that great.]. I've kind of saved some money. I've been to a couple of new places and future different journeys are planned so that's a winner I guess. I've caught up tremendously with Sentai also; being as I am now only 50 episodes behind (up from 80). Sadly the Sentai speed will slow now because the new team that I just started watching, Goseiger, are a bit badly written and the actors are uninspiring.
I have tickets to see comedians and an eye on tours as yet unannounced. I have a list of the various boxsets and series I hope to get watched this year. And yet I have a fairly limited communication with the people I want to spend this time with. I have a complete disjoin to the Birmingham bars and people I used to go out with locally. I have a generally adjacent view to everyone I encounter on a day-to-day basis and I rarely make the encounter when the situation should call for it.
Again, I'm just belly-aching that everything isn't perfect and a little bit "Why don't I have something into which I have put no effort? Waah!" but I feel a bit lonely sometimes when half the people I'd like to speak to are far away and most of the methods of which to start that conversation without travel appear to me to be an invasion of me upon them and therefore unwanted and "Waah! No one wants to talk to me even though I make no attempt to talk to them! Waah!".
So yeah. I blogged about it. Maybe the above'd be a little shorter if I regularly got these feelings out in the open, say with a picture attached. I wonder where I could do that...
Sunday 2 January 2011
New Year's Resolutions 2011
It's now 2011. This seems somehow both wrong and tremendously novel. I should get used to this happening annually but I can't. DOES THAT MAKE ME AN ANIMAL?!
Oh. On typing that I turned into a zebra. Luckily my keyboard has been similarly transformed into a hoof-friendly giant size so I shall continue in my usual manner. By which I mean sporadically and with weird tangents, similes and references by the kilopound. It's a cool thing I do. It's not cool to say I do cool things is it? Fine, I'll get on with it.
Last year I posted (on this very blog) my resolutions for the year 2010. I passed all five of them. Therefore, I'm seeing if lightning can strike not only twice, but continually over a period of two years. I have always longed to be a lightning rod.
These are my New Year's Resolutions with my reasoning and other commentary. [/barely necessary description]
---------------------------------
1: Go swimming at least 50 times
As a man with a body, I have on occasion considered that said body could look better. In particular, I'm often given far too much credit for looking good from people who have just seen me at favourable angles. Unlike me-in-photos-taken-by-a-internet-friend's-DSLR, I photograph pretty well but I sometimes am put in a position where I move a lot and I feel my lack of physical tonality all too well. To this end I knew I had to make an exercise-based resolution. I enjoy swimming and it's much cheaper and well rounded an exercise than I'd expect to enjoy at a gym so I've decided I should go regularly. I like to quantify my goals so I've set once-a-week with 2 weeks off. I like to reduce the possibility of unbeatable failure so I've flexitized the goal to 50 times.
---------------------------------
2: Make at least 12 videos for my YouTube channel
I made and completed this resolution last year and I was looking for a resolution to do with making videos. I considered some sort of specific goal that would make them easier to produce by upgrading things but in the end, as long as I'm making them, I'll fix things as I go anyway. Hopefully I'll fix my webcam so I can use it's helpful accessibility. Maybe I'll find a reliable tripod-esque option for my phone. Maybe (hopefully/probably), I'll get a new computer with a capacity to handle editing better files from start to finish. All of these things could (and hopefully shall) come from me just getting down to it and making videos.
---------------------------------
3: Save money each month
I said I like to quantify my resolutions. You may have noticed that this is fairly unquantified. I figured that quantifying stuff to do with my finances online reveals more than I'd like to about the cashflow in my life. I have set a minimum amount per month and an overall amount I'd like to see in my savings account by the end of the year but I'm going to keep that in my mind and in a file on my computer. I will be sure to inform people if I have failed though.
---------------------------------
4: See people outside of London/gatherings
Last year, one of my completed resolutions was to go to a gathering. I managed this within the first two weeks of 2010. Over the past 12 months I've been to many gatherings and made lots of friends, even more acquaintances, a couple of people with whom I have a mutual recognition of but mutually little to say and (AFAIK) zero enemies. In making friendships with southern peoples, I have developed a habit of popping to London on a semi-regular basis. In fact I have visited London eight times since August's Summer in the City gathering. This isn't a bad thing at all but I feel like I should spend some time seeing the other people I converse with that aren't the type to spend their spare time in London or at (what are primarily considered to be) YouTube gatherings. Therefore, I'm hoping to entice some folks to my neck of the woods, and to travel north, east and west to the peeps who I see less frequently but are no less loved. Again, this resolution seems a little unquantifiable. Again, there is a number of times I have fixed in my head and on my computer.
---------------------------------
5: Get/keep up-to-date with Super Sentai
I love and have always loved Power Rangers. The idea of transforming into a superhero though motions, words and button-presses is a fundamentally joyous and exciting fantasy in my psyche. I stopped watching the show when I became a teenager because I stopped getting up on mornings that I didn't have school and I didn't enjoy Power Rangers Turbo conceptually. Then a few years ago, I was faffing around with Sky and discovered that Jetix showed continual repeats of current and older series and I got back into watching them again. Yes, some of them were bad (Wild Force), but some of them were brilliant (Time Force, Mystic Force). Then after some time, I found out about the original series that spawned the Power Rangers franchise was called Super Sentai and was still produced and broadcast weekly on Japanese television. Then they did a massive crossover episode for their 30th anniversary and I found a site that subtitled the episodes and made them available to download: TV Nihon. After just one (relatively out-of-context) show, I was tremendously excited all over again, and started to watch the franchise from Jyuken Sentai Gekiranger onwards.
However, as with much of the programmes I plan to watch, I fell behind. I've recently been spurred on to watch more by a wish to finish Engine Sentai Go-Onger before watching the US adaptation Power Rangers RPM. A similar wish (plus a gigantic passionate love of the theme, team and their powers) has made me watch Samurai Sentai Shinkenger at a rate previously unheard of. They've announced that the series starting in February will be pirate-themed and that the team will travel through all of the previous Sentai universes meeting and making use of the powers of previous teams. This makes my brain go wibbly and my awesometer break. Therefore I want to get up to speed so I can watch things as they happen. I had previously considered missing out the year-long series of Tensou Sentai Goseiger as it hadn't gripped me conceptually but the dimension hopping Goukaiger's likely visit of them and some of the pictures I've seen of Gosei Knight and beyond have made me reconsider. So this puts me in the position of having approximately 80 episodes of Super Sentai to catch up with, while a new episode is aired in Japan almost every week. Sounds like a challenge I'd love to accept.
---------------------------------
And there you have it. I may use this blog for more things in the coming year but it will certainly be the place I put the most writing and the detailed list for New Year's Resolutions 2012.
Oh. On typing that I turned into a zebra. Luckily my keyboard has been similarly transformed into a hoof-friendly giant size so I shall continue in my usual manner. By which I mean sporadically and with weird tangents, similes and references by the kilopound. It's a cool thing I do. It's not cool to say I do cool things is it? Fine, I'll get on with it.
Last year I posted (on this very blog) my resolutions for the year 2010. I passed all five of them. Therefore, I'm seeing if lightning can strike not only twice, but continually over a period of two years. I have always longed to be a lightning rod.
These are my New Year's Resolutions with my reasoning and other commentary. [/barely necessary description]
---------------------------------
1: Go swimming at least 50 times
As a man with a body, I have on occasion considered that said body could look better. In particular, I'm often given far too much credit for looking good from people who have just seen me at favourable angles. Unlike me-in-photos-taken-by-a-internet-friend's-DSLR, I photograph pretty well but I sometimes am put in a position where I move a lot and I feel my lack of physical tonality all too well. To this end I knew I had to make an exercise-based resolution. I enjoy swimming and it's much cheaper and well rounded an exercise than I'd expect to enjoy at a gym so I've decided I should go regularly. I like to quantify my goals so I've set once-a-week with 2 weeks off. I like to reduce the possibility of unbeatable failure so I've flexitized the goal to 50 times.
---------------------------------
2: Make at least 12 videos for my YouTube channel
I made and completed this resolution last year and I was looking for a resolution to do with making videos. I considered some sort of specific goal that would make them easier to produce by upgrading things but in the end, as long as I'm making them, I'll fix things as I go anyway. Hopefully I'll fix my webcam so I can use it's helpful accessibility. Maybe I'll find a reliable tripod-esque option for my phone. Maybe (hopefully/probably), I'll get a new computer with a capacity to handle editing better files from start to finish. All of these things could (and hopefully shall) come from me just getting down to it and making videos.
---------------------------------
3: Save money each month
I said I like to quantify my resolutions. You may have noticed that this is fairly unquantified. I figured that quantifying stuff to do with my finances online reveals more than I'd like to about the cashflow in my life. I have set a minimum amount per month and an overall amount I'd like to see in my savings account by the end of the year but I'm going to keep that in my mind and in a file on my computer. I will be sure to inform people if I have failed though.
---------------------------------
4: See people outside of London/gatherings
Last year, one of my completed resolutions was to go to a gathering. I managed this within the first two weeks of 2010. Over the past 12 months I've been to many gatherings and made lots of friends, even more acquaintances, a couple of people with whom I have a mutual recognition of but mutually little to say and (AFAIK) zero enemies. In making friendships with southern peoples, I have developed a habit of popping to London on a semi-regular basis. In fact I have visited London eight times since August's Summer in the City gathering. This isn't a bad thing at all but I feel like I should spend some time seeing the other people I converse with that aren't the type to spend their spare time in London or at (what are primarily considered to be) YouTube gatherings. Therefore, I'm hoping to entice some folks to my neck of the woods, and to travel north, east and west to the peeps who I see less frequently but are no less loved. Again, this resolution seems a little unquantifiable. Again, there is a number of times I have fixed in my head and on my computer.
---------------------------------
5: Get/keep up-to-date with Super Sentai
I love and have always loved Power Rangers. The idea of transforming into a superhero though motions, words and button-presses is a fundamentally joyous and exciting fantasy in my psyche. I stopped watching the show when I became a teenager because I stopped getting up on mornings that I didn't have school and I didn't enjoy Power Rangers Turbo conceptually. Then a few years ago, I was faffing around with Sky and discovered that Jetix showed continual repeats of current and older series and I got back into watching them again. Yes, some of them were bad (Wild Force), but some of them were brilliant (Time Force, Mystic Force). Then after some time, I found out about the original series that spawned the Power Rangers franchise was called Super Sentai and was still produced and broadcast weekly on Japanese television. Then they did a massive crossover episode for their 30th anniversary and I found a site that subtitled the episodes and made them available to download: TV Nihon. After just one (relatively out-of-context) show, I was tremendously excited all over again, and started to watch the franchise from Jyuken Sentai Gekiranger onwards.
However, as with much of the programmes I plan to watch, I fell behind. I've recently been spurred on to watch more by a wish to finish Engine Sentai Go-Onger before watching the US adaptation Power Rangers RPM. A similar wish (plus a gigantic passionate love of the theme, team and their powers) has made me watch Samurai Sentai Shinkenger at a rate previously unheard of. They've announced that the series starting in February will be pirate-themed and that the team will travel through all of the previous Sentai universes meeting and making use of the powers of previous teams. This makes my brain go wibbly and my awesometer break. Therefore I want to get up to speed so I can watch things as they happen. I had previously considered missing out the year-long series of Tensou Sentai Goseiger as it hadn't gripped me conceptually but the dimension hopping Goukaiger's likely visit of them and some of the pictures I've seen of Gosei Knight and beyond have made me reconsider. So this puts me in the position of having approximately 80 episodes of Super Sentai to catch up with, while a new episode is aired in Japan almost every week. Sounds like a challenge I'd love to accept.
---------------------------------
And there you have it. I may use this blog for more things in the coming year but it will certainly be the place I put the most writing and the detailed list for New Year's Resolutions 2012.
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