My time on the internet recently has felt a lot like wondering around a bric-a-brac stall, endlessly searching.
I look for the end of the subs box on YouTube, I look for the glint of insight in a tumbl or a shining ray of beautiful inquiry on formspring. I think I'm desperately seeking some kind of thing for me to latch myself onto.
I have started frivolously spending my money as I go out with my friends from the "real world" and I have enjoyed myself. But it has left me sat at home wondering when money will return so I can do it again. It has left me financially moored in dry-dock waiting for a bus that accept seashells as fare.
Any interaction online is free and requires little personal preparation or timekeeping. Yet I long for something more personal and physical to happen in my life and I long to consume media with friends.
I long for house parties and time spent in pretend and displays of false reality that dazzle and confound in equal measure. I long for a day-to-day that can be both intriguing and thoughtful while displaying wit and charm and repartee.
I think I should probably be trying harder to change things in my life to make them better. "But I don't know how".
"Join the queue, Dave! Many people have been waiting in this boat for years and you think you can cut in line with your fancy rhetoric and verbose floundary?"
True, imaginary ship captain, I am by no means the only one in my situation. But I am the only one who is me. I wonder if I can find another.
Until I'm next drawn away from constantly checking for replies to comments I haven't made, I wish you all of the wish that you desire.
If that wish is me shutting up btw, wish gr-
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Did you write this at 2:57 am!!!
ReplyDeleteLife always moves in fits and starts. I remember when Twitter was the new thing, and then people move onto the next new craze. Stay or search for something that excites you. Often hard, but sometimes the search is better than the destination.