Waste Of Time That Is Free

In a moment of utter folly, I shall now ramble at length until I feel less scatterbrained. I'm sorry if you're forced to read this against you will. If you are the forcer, might I suggest a more determined effort to enforce more punishing torture upon those you dislike.

I sit on the brink of a longish weekend which will involve awesome Doctor Who and (at present) little else. I feel like I should be putting together a to do list and planning the accomplishment of goals but above all else I can't be bothered.

I have three days of no work in which I could finish watching HIMYM season four, actually see a film (perhaps, *gasp*, at the cinema), go to the pub with some people or maybe even make some kind of video perhaps via some kind of outdoors endeavour.

Irritatingly, I'm pretty sure that my free time of this weekend will be spent playing on my DS while simultaneously absorbing background Big Brother. Neither thing I dislike but neither thing worth shouting or enthusing about.

It's partially a money issue. I love my jaunts to visit the internet people, but they do have the side effect of reducing my spare funds to a trickle at best and a fully tapped out drought at worst. It's a self perpetuating monster. I work almost all extra shifts suggested to me for extra funds. This leads to staying up late each night catching up with people and the internet in general. This leads to me getting up late for work which in turn leads to having to spend money on the train for the minor added speed burst that gets me through work's doors just in time to not be chastised. All of the above is why I am often rushing and poor.

It's partially a motivation issue. I've had a few ideas recently of videos I could make or booths I could do and then not following through with actually making either. The utterly marginal dedication to anything solid has always been lacking in me and it shows no sign of being cultivated long term. This leads to me being annoyed at myself for not getting anything done but feeling powerless to break the cycle. Getting out of the rut would require a plan that I feel I'm unable to make. I should try and figure out the root cause but again, planning.

It's partially a people availability/willingness/location issue. My local friends are, for the most part, in a job with typical weekday hours and/or in a relationship and/or as broke as I am. This means they have work in the morning and/or prior commitments and/or no funds. This means I have the opportunity to do diddly and/or jack and/or squat. It's not their fault by any means. They have lives and their own concerns and I have a tendency to not plan ahead when it comes to them while also moaning when a plan of their's is short notice and -I'm- working. I also feel like I'm an imposition almost anytime I suggest anything due to the half-bakedness of my plans and the kinds of things I want to do being lame/dull/questionable in their merit.

Put simply, I lack confidence in my ability to suggest enjoyable things and therefore put it off or suggest it very mildly leading to nothing happening at all. This is why I'll probably end up sat in my room for the weekend doing very little.

Help or activities welcome.

Things That Occured To Me Today

I like this blog.

I like writing lots of stuff with a modicum of purpose and I'm a huge fan of re-reading something I wrote in the past. So I figured that I should get to writing more stuff.

I like people.

I like talking to people online and I like seeing people in person. It's dismaying to realise that I'm not likely to see any internet people in real space until the beginning of August due to lack of money. It does, however make me want to visit my generous grandparents, so that's a good thing.

I like not-people.

As mush as I enjoy seeing people, I don't like it when people feel like I am in anyway their concern or responsibility. I realised that after the escapades of last Saturday (http://dailybooth.com/u/37k0h), Tino was put in a position where he was made to feel guilty for putting himself in (relatively marginal) danger and therefore not looking after others. I don't think I could have took that criticism as graciously as he did. I would have told everyone to leave me to my own devices and trust that I can look after myself and said that others should be capable of doing the same. Though admittedly I'd have probably phrased it into the far more succinct: "Fuck off". I kind of expect people to trust that I'm able to look after myself and not hold themselves in a worry state over whether I'll make it from one day to the next. Simultaneously...

I would like to have a someone.

As much as the "Stay Single" resolution has resulted in mucho friend making and easy outs at times; I feel like I might make the complete opposite resolution next year. I don't think it'll be easy to find someone with the right temperament to match my own contradictory mental barometer but I'm certain I'd feel better having someone to talk to and cuddle and... other things. Though, if I'm honest, the "other things" are actually the least pressing part of the hope. I really feel that I'm getting too boxed in here, in spite of my many jaunts elsewhere. The somewhat inevitable move out of this house in January will hopefully help, as will the full realisation that...

I should be looking for a different job.

I need more stable hours and/or more money and neither will happen at my current place of work, ever. Plus, in September I'll have been in my job for five years. Time to go, Little Miss Muffett counting down from 7-3-0.

I think that helped. I like to talk in first person about myself. Someone stab me with a sharp truth before I get an ego.

What should I be doing?

My time on the internet recently has felt a lot like wondering around a bric-a-brac stall, endlessly searching.

I look for the end of the subs box on YouTube, I look for the glint of insight in a tumbl or a shining ray of beautiful inquiry on formspring. I think I'm desperately seeking some kind of thing for me to latch myself onto.

I have started frivolously spending my money as I go out with my friends from the "real world" and I have enjoyed myself. But it has left me sat at home wondering when money will return so I can do it again. It has left me financially moored in dry-dock waiting for a bus that accept seashells as fare.

Any interaction online is free and requires little personal preparation or timekeeping. Yet I long for something more personal and physical to happen in my life and I long to consume media with friends.

I long for house parties and time spent in pretend and displays of false reality that dazzle and confound in equal measure. I long for a day-to-day that can be both intriguing and thoughtful while displaying wit and charm and repartee.

I think I should probably be trying harder to change things in my life to make them better. "But I don't know how".

"Join the queue, Dave! Many people have been waiting in this boat for years and you think you can cut in line with your fancy rhetoric and verbose floundary?"

True, imaginary ship captain, I am by no means the only one in my situation. But I am the only one who is me. I wonder if I can find another.

Until I'm next drawn away from constantly checking for replies to comments I haven't made, I wish you all of the wish that you desire.

If that wish is me shutting up btw, wish gr-

Doctor of Who!!!

New Doctor Who!!!! [He exclaimed, with both necessity and frivolity]

I enjoyed it. Let me list things that I liked about it.

...

Oh yeah this is my blog, I don't need permission! ^_^

First things first; I like the new titles. Something about the font and the images brought to mind the New Adventures books and that is a #VeryGoodThing. Not sure if it was our sound settings but we had a couple of comprehension issues with the sound, therefore I'm not yet certain if the new theme is housed within my memory yet and therefore I'll comment on that later.

I'm not sure if it's wholly to do with the HD-ness but I'd say I certainly felt that the whole thing had a book-like atmosphere to it. Again the New Adventures feel buzzed over me and there was a very completely realised yet very "fantasy" world feel to the whole thing. Equally, there were references to all the social networking sites, internet porn, computer viruses and the completely modern-world-ubiquitous camera-phone.

I feel like Stephen Moffat is making a very beloved series into a very well crafted tale of legend.

As it should be.

Matt Smith -is- The Doctor. Manners and all. He doesn't appear to be acting at all which is wonderful.

Karen Gillan is very confident in her role and I look forward to seeing her tackle the variety of positions that her companionship will throw at her. I think we may well see her shine when Amy is emotionally challenged.

Very right of them to have a new set of directors this year and I definitely felt that the whole of it was shot for shot, visually interesting and well framed. Again, storybook with depth is screaming at me like a harpy ^_^

In short, I loved it and am very pleased that it's here and in it's present form.

Blurb away from blurb

I woke up today feeling a little bit ill.

Coincidentally, I wasn't feeling great before sleep either.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this typing here as I have nothing of special length to go on about but I kinda feel like mixing it up a bit today.

I Walked with Pokémon during my day of work. This was fairly productive but I can see the value and shine wearing off sooner than I'd like due to the fact that levels gained while walking don't give you new moves or evolutions. That said, I am getting trade fodder and items that I can't buy. I wouldn't say that I walked much more than usual though. #NintendoSurreptitiousKeepFitFail

When I'm visualising things I stare into the middle distance with my eyes held remarkably open. [He remarked.]

I still haven't read any of the books I got boothers to pick for me in January. I stopped about three chapters into Pride & Prejudice & Zombies due me not quite being able to visualise who was who and realising that the bits that I found hilariously juxtaposed to the source material were actually fixed into the rhythm of the book in a semi-predictable manner and had therefore lost their bite. *inhale*

I really need to work on my sentence length. And my drivelling-on length.

If this fairy has offended, think but this and all is mended: I like your face.

So this is Easter, and what have you done?

I've spend the past week attempting to be a little detached and aloof from/towards the internet. It has made be feel a bit weird.

I've caught up on tv quite a bit, I've spent time in the company of my parents, I've played a fair bit of Pokémon and I've generally felt a little more laid back. It's kind of like what Peter Serofinowicz said on Twitter earlier about Facebook being a part-time job. I wouldn't say that the people I've come into contact with through the many mediums of the internet are a burden. You are all the exact opposite. You make me feel more connected to the world and you make me feel very lucky to have that connection.

I do feel sometimes though, that the connector to this world of people being such a steadfastly plugged in appliance drags me away from a great deal of other things.

That said, there is little to no chance of me prioritising a laptop purchase over the many other things that are on my calendar because in so many of them I get to meet the very people that make me want to sit in my room, jacked in.

All of these connections are being limited by the funds and the time available to me. The time is something I am privileged to be able to flex around events if need be. The money, not so much.

I've been in the same job now for four and a half years. In that time, I have gone from simple receptionist up to person in charge, only to find that I couldn't take the responsibility and step down. Now I am the most over-qualified receptionist there is. I know everything there is to know about nigh on everything in the building and can fix many problems with a couple of taps, a flick and a flourish. But I still don't feel I have the stability in my confidence to step up to be in charge. My steadfastness is based largely on my mood and what I've consumed during the day and that is far too inconsistent to put myself into difficult situations with customer facing responsibilities.

So I'm feeling kinda stuck. I need to push myself to find something more rewarding in the long term. I'm finding it difficult to push myself to complete important short-term commitments such as filling in the form for my new passport or making my room a place that I can take pride in.

And that's what's been going on with me recently.

Fell, hell, bells ring-a-ding, birds sing but not for me.

So I was thinking. And then I stopped thinking. I had an amazing day Saturday and the reaction I've had to my pictorial rendition of it on DailyBooth has been really wonderful. Then I come into work for night shifts.

8 hours of sitting doing relatively little and using the internet seems like a laugh, doesn't it?

Except when you've spent a day being hugely social and meeting new people, you want to keep being social with these new people. Instead I'm sat looking at American tweeters whom I don't really know and hearing my thoughts echo round the inside of my head whilst somewhat random European music batters the outside of my head. It's a lonely period.

I don't mind spending time alone. It gives me a great sense of adventure and calm and all manner of freedom. It also can be like a torture when your tied into doing almost nothing through a less than obliging IE6 powered interface.

Every night I arrive and set-up for the night ahead. Once I'm settled, it's guaranteed that the first thing I see on Twitter while getting comfortable is "goodnight" from most of the people I could want to spend time talking to.

I wish there were some sort of neural relay I could use to play computer games out of sight, or one of those feedback loops they attach to CCTV cameras in films so I could sit here reading a book or using my DS. It's an irritation that I have little of consequence to accomplish right now.

And now I've just had a slight distraction via someone actually coming to the desk but it's all over so quickly. I return to a tweet about a great sounding night out with a fit ginger guy involved. It's really lame.

Skimming over my rota, I see little opportunity for a night on the town. But then again, I've got a massive weekend that will be awesome at the end of the month so maybe I should be less down.

I will make this time worthwhile. Somehow. And the future weekend will be made of awesome.

Or I will cry.

[/emo]